Living Spherically

Wellness

Forge thyself

Heal thyself

Inspire thyself

    What does wellness mean? I would say that it means being healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. But how do we get to a place of wellness? How do find that sustainable healthy balance?

    Late last Sunday night, I pulled three cards from the Gaian Tarot, looking for guidance on how to live my life at the capacity I wish too. The unexpected result was the above, my Charge from Brighid.

    There are certain things I know about myself, certain places I know will be easier to start making adjustments. Because I'm happy. I survived the stress of buying my first house with my boyfriend and we both love it. It was so ridiculously worth it for everything that having our own place has given us. But I feel low on energy, and weak physically. And, well, I got this Charge, you see?

    So we shall see.

     

 

Like a Virgin

A property virgin, that is.

It's basic a sure thing that come September when I am off probation at my job and therefore able to get pre-approved for a mortgage that Shayne and I will begin house-hunting for our first home. We talked to a mortgage specialist last week, and will be able to afford the kind of house we're after with the minimum 5% down. With what we're putting away between rent and savings right now, it will work out to about the same amount per month. Except we'll gain our own washer and dryer. A barbeque. A dog (logically either in early March or after the Italy trip next May - realistically... we'll see how long I last once we're settled in). Probably a dishwasher. More space.

Seriously, having more space is going to be amazing. Things can have their place. As in, there will actually be a place to put them away (if I so choose...) I can have a room that is neither the bedroom nor the living room to do pathworking. I can have space outside where I can just sit. Walk barefoot in the grass. It sounds so weird, but I really miss grass. I can't wait to paint the walls. I can't wait for my parents to come out and visit and not have to sleep on my couch. I can't wait to hit up friends for plants because I won't be able to afford many. I can't wait to go through the house and cleanse it, put up wards, introduce myself. I might even have a tree to talk to. I'll be growing cherry tomatoes and a few select fresh herbs by next summer. I can have people over and have enough space to kind of spread out. Maybe even a kitchen that's open to the living room. I can't wait to show it off.

We'll be sacrificing a lot lifestyle-wise. Things will be tight for awhile. But what we'll be gaining? It already feels amazing just thinking of how close it is.

Writ by Hand

I have a confession to make.

I have been an initiate of the Greenwood Tradition for, well, long enough to be a 2nd degree and I have not yet printed off a copy of the tradition's Book of Shadows. I read over things before class, and I have a hard copy of my personal pathworking, but the full Book of Shadows? Not even saved to my hardrive. It exists in my inbox and on my coven's Yahoo group.

Last weekend I decided I needed to finally print it. So I set up an account with Staples / Bureau en Gros to upload printing projects online and then pick it up when it was done. And I (finally) saved the various word documents to my desktop.

And then I opened them up and looked at them with the eyes of someone who was going to be flipping the pages instead of scrolling to the pertinent information.

It was all wrong! The formatting was different section to section, let alone document to document! There was no consistent layout for it all, it was just accumulated over time and never made internally consistent. I suppose that has it's own sort of charm, particularly if it's a handwritten BOS. But a printed document? This simply would not do.

Except because the formatting was so wildly inconsistent, I only got frustrated trying to unify it within itself. So I decided to re-do it all from scratch. I opened a new document, and copy-pasted a swath of text into it halfway down the page then started from the top and began re-typing it all. Sentence by sentence, word by word.

I'm about halfway through the first half of the coven pathworking. And I have a much fuller (sometimes painfully so) understanding of why a Book of Shadows is traditionally copied by hand. It has literally amazed me this week, over the four days that I've been re-typing it (fixing a typo here, adding a comma there), how much better an understanding I have of all the material we've covered in the past year. I've re-typed articles I'd really only skim read before, and I feel my knowledge has litterally ballooned.

I know the only reason I'm tackling this amount of work is because I'm anal -- but I really wish I could require any future students of mine to do the same thing!

3-for-1

Three mini posts today.

Post the First:

I am terrified of the Habs winning tonight in Game 7 against the Pittsburgh Penguins. I am used to a heroic first round win and then falling apart in the second round. I know how to deal with that. I have never seen the Habs advance past the second round. If they do, I will expect history. I will expect a cup, simply because I do not have a coping mechanism for losing in the Eastern Final or (gods help us all) the Stanley Cup Final. I am afraid to hope. Afraid to believe.

Post the Second:

My absolute favorite thing about this playoff run has been the ritual performed prior to the teams coming out before a Montreal home game. I call it the evocatio, because it reminds me of the ancient Roman ritual of the same name. Prior to conquering a city, Roman priests with the army would perform an evocatio, whereby they called out the city's gods (who had clearly been mistreated by the city's inhabitants, otherwise they wouldn't be letting Rome win so awesomely) and invited them to Rome.

When the Forum was closed, then-captain Pierre Turgeon took a torch and touched it to center ice. He then touched it to center ice at the new Molson Centre, to bring the ghosts of the Forum to the new venue. The torch phrase from Flanders Fields has long been written in the Montreal dressing room above the pictures of Habs greats. It has always been believed that the ghosts of the Forum didn't make the trip, mostly because the Canadiens since then have been (at best) mediocre.

But me being me, I love the mix of franchise history and ritual that is the kid coming out in the jersey of one of those famous Canadiens, skating around the ice holding a torch, and then setting it to centre ice to have lighting effects make the flame spread to all corners of the rink. I first noticed it Game 6 against Washington, and I have been lapping it up ever since.

Post the Third:

I don't know if my longing for a house has been made better or worse by the realization that my dog is already out there. If all goes as planned we'll be house shopping in at most three years. I want to adopt a dog that is 4-5 years old. That means that somewhere out there is my dog. I don't know if it's a girl or a boy. I don't know if it has a happy family that will have to give him/her up in a few years for whatever reason. I don't know if it's a stray, or has suffered from abuse. But I know that my dog is out there. I don't know if it's waiting for me yet like I'm waiting for it, but at some point it will need a home and at some point I will have one to offer.

And it sounds pathetic, but there it is.

(Go Habs go)

Lulu Longing

Lululemon intimidates me.

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of Lululemon, but in the past whenver I've gone in I've walked through, been intimidated by all the workout clothes (particularly the pants) and turned around and walked right back out.

Last weekend, I had a plan. I had done my research online and knew in advance what I wanted - a pair of Groove II crops. I walked in, grabbed a pair, tried them on, bought them, and was still intimidated by the store. The insidious part of my brain tells me that I don't deserve them. I am not a super active person and therefore I don't deserve active wear. Walking into that store is like being in gym class in high school - it makes me uncomfortable and self-conscious. That same feeling is why I can't see myself ever joining a gym or being active with other people. I have workout woes.

I could blame the fact that I'm still kind of feeling the Lululemon intimidation for the reason why I didn't go to yoga last night. (I haven't been to yoga in six weeks, I don't deserve to walk into a class in mid-session sporting $100 yoga pants.) In truth it's only part of the reason. The very fact that I'm thinking like that is proof of it.

I don't feel like I'm nourishing myself enough. My soul enough. I'm still longing to be 30. I'm longing for more money, for my house, for energy in the evening. I'm tired of going to work in an office where I feel the customer service department is underappreciated at best and ignored at worst and where I feel there's no future for upwards movement within the company or a pay raise (or even becoming salaried as opposed to an hourly and therefore getting benefits). I dream of not having to go to work so that I can write in the morning and do the errands and cleaning and cooking in the afternoon so that we can relax in the evening together instead of doing laundry and dishes.

I need to find some way to bring the feeling that I'm longing for back into my life. I know in my heart the things I need to do, but I'm afraid of overdoing or overscheduling and then failing. I'm not sure where the balance lies in my evenings anymore but there has got to be some way to make it work in a way that is both sustainable and fulfilling and yet gives me the downtime that I also need.

Weekly Victories

I'm going to try a new thing here where at the end of the week I post my little victories from the week and my goals for next week.

This week's victories

Tried cauliflower and bok choy

The roasted cauliflower with broccoli was great, but the seared bok choy with soy sauce was not - it turned out way to salty in an already salty meal. Next time I think I'll try it with a bit of minced ginger instead.

Successfully kept a food diary

I've been keeping track of what I eat since Monday, counting calories, protein, and fruit/veggie portions. It's had the immediate effect of making me more aware of how many healthy snacks I'm having and therefore more inclined to have more. While I wasn't great with my lunches this week, I was better with my work snacking and I have some ideas to help me out next week too!

Worked out at home

I fell out of yoga and working out around the same time over a month ago, but I have a new program now that I like a lot better than the last one I was (not) working on. So while I skipped my weekend workout because I was working on Saturday (and consequently did not have time on Sunday) I did work out on Wednesday night. Now if I can just make it to yoga once next week as well - at least the Habs likely won't be stopping me this time!

The week ahead

Attend Gentle Yoga at Harmoni on Wednesday night

Increase my fruit/veggie intake by at least 1 portion a day

Try the couscous cakes from the cooking magazine I picked up this week as well as the battered shrimp we're going to buy on the weekend

Loving Your Picky Eater

Amy Sullivan hit a lot of it smack on the head for me in her article Confessions of a Picky Eater . I've been a picky eater my whole life and have basically been ashamed of it for just as long. I don't want to be an inconvenience. I don't want my dietary choices to be looked down upon. I just want to eat food that I like and I don't want anyone to try and force me to eat food I have no desire to even try. Encouragement does not help. Waving it in my face does not help. Asking 'why not' does not help. I am stubborn. And if you try to force me or goad me in that direction, I will reject the food even more.

I am trying, really, actively trying to expand my dietary horizons (I bought cauliflower this week!). And I know that I have improved so much from just a few years ago. Cooking my own meals means that I can try a new dish when I want to and I can adjust seasonings so that it's more mild to start off with and not as intimidating.

Despite that, I still have no desire to try pizza, hamburgers, sauce on my pasta (creamy or tomato-based) etc. But I where I am right now? I do not feel that I should be a burden at dinners. My limited tastes are something to keep in mind, but they do not stop me from eating the same food that I serve my guests. And when I am invited over for dinner by friends (boyfriend's family is another, entirely separate matter) I would hope to be served the same food as my hosts. There are numerous perfectly normal meals that I eat -- but when Shayne and I had dinner with a couple of my friends this week I was given a separate, plain, dish like I was still a twelve year old.

The following statement - from one of the commenters on the article - does not help matters for me either:    "If you value new experiences, diversity, and being open-minded, then being a picky eater is a moral failing. No single bite of edible food will ever hurt you beyond a temporarily unpleasant sensation. Not being able to at least try everything ever served to you is simply irrational closed-mindedness."

Picky eaters like me need to be supported, not criticized as a moral failure and told that any progress made is not enough. Inviting me over for dinner? Serve a meal we can all eat. There's lots of them. Can't help but try to get me to have something new? Service an appetizer or a side-dish that I already like but with a different twist. Don't push me. Know that I want to eat new foods, but that I prefer to try them at home where I can control the preparation and don't have an audience.

Love your picky eater who is slowly and carefully working at expanding her culinary tastes. Don't admonish her. Don't discourage her further. Be nice, and avoid making comments (I've gotten so hyper-sensitive over the years even an innocent one can ruin my night). If you want to help, treat her like a normal person and not like an inconvenience.

Going on 24... Going on 30

In my last year of university, I studied for a month in Florence. I lived in an apartment with about twenty other people and I had all these expectations for what that month could do for me. It was not what I wanted it to be. I didn't know how to make it what I wanted it to be. I caught snatches of it at points through the month - moments where everything just clicked and I felt like I was finally in the flow - but they slipped away to fast and I couldn't hold onto them. (You'd think that with all the Buddhism courses I took during my Religious Studies major, I'd know that grasping is bad for a person.)

On one of the last nights there I did a series of tarot readings for people. And then had one done for me. The girl who read my cards for me pulled the Two of Swords from my Rider-Waite deck and said "You're like a ninja. I get the feeling you're in this slow period, just waiting to bust out all badass-like."

That stuck with me through that whole summer while I faced the same issues of flow and being present in the moment through our trip to Greece. In many ways I feel like it's still accurate.

A lot has happened in the last two years. I graduated university. My family absconded with my dog to the other side of the country. I lived with uncertainty - home and job related. I found an apartment. I found a job. And during all that time I felt like I was just waiting for my boyfriend to move in with me.

And the moment he moved in I starting waiting until we can buy a house.

I feel like a major challenge for me at this point in my life is to not discount the life I have just because it's not the life I want. I feel anxious to turn 30. I haven't even turned 24. The part of my brain that knows better has a hard time trying to convince the rest of my brain (and my heart) that everything that's happened in the last two years hasn't also been big, life-changing, forward movement towards the life I see myself having by the time I hit my late twenties.

It's easy for me to explain it away as having all (or mostly) been done out of necessity rather than as a conscious decision. I didn't have the luxury of time to let momentous things feel momentous. And if I'd let them feel momentous, given the mental/emotional place I was in, I probably would have just been overwhelmed by it all. But while it is a reason, I think a bigger part of the explanation is simply that I have trouble staying in, recognizing, and valuing the present.

And I'm not sure exactly where in my brain to flip that mental switch. So I try to limit the amount I look at dogs and houses online. And I wait. To turn 30. To turn 27. To turn 24.

Oh! The Places You'll Go!

(Dr. Seuss should need no introduction. Nor is any reason needed for making a post consisting entirely of one of his works.)

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

With Blindfolds on our Feet

Today was a beautiful, gorgeous, sunny, record-breaking temperature day here in Montreal. Shayne and I walked around Pointe-Claire Village a little bit and I took the summer-like weather as a cue to wear my new sandals. I had already made the mistake of wearing socks and shoes for our grocery shopping yesterday!

I love not wearing socks. I love not wearing anything on my feet. I love feeling the bumps of the ground as I'm walking through grass. When I was little we used to spend a week at a lake in Ontario and I would be barefoot almost the entire time - even walking along the rock / gravel road to to buy icecream sandwiches from the store. I often don't feel truly grounded or connected to the earth unless I'm barefoot.

In Women Who Run With the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about the old woman archetype. She calls her La Que Sabe, The One Who Knows. An old witch in New Mexico once told her that "La Que Sabe had created women from a wrinkle on the sole of her divine foot: This is why women are knowing creatures; they are made, in essence, of the skin of the sole, which feels everything". She goes on to say that an acculturated Kiche tribeswoman who hadn't worn a pair of shoes until she was in her twenties once told her she still wasn't used to walking "con los ojos vendados, with blindfolds on her feet."

I've been thinking a lot about feet and how I stand and how I walk - most of it prompted by this article which I stumbled upon this afternoon. A lot of what it talks about feels true - you know, in my feet. Think about it for a minute, or get a pair of shoes and try it out. Compare how you walk wearing shoes and how you walk barefoot and see how different it is. We tend to put a lot of pressure on our heels which shoe manufacturers try to solve with lots of padding. When we walk barefoot, our feet solve it by actually using all of our foot to walk and spending a lot less time on our heels to begin with.

One thing that really struck me was when the author started talking about how we need to feel the ground in order to feel balanced - and so the more padding we have the harder we have to step to feel the ground. Barefoot, however, we sense what we're walking on much easier; which both makes us step lighter than when wearing shoes and allows our body to absorb each step impact much more naturally.

It's hard to get out of the habits though - and of course it's not like I'm ditching all (or any!) of my cute, adorable little shoes. But even just standing in slippers cooking dinner tonight I found it hard to remain standing with weight evenly distributed along my foot as opposed to mostly on my heels. Even though my heels hurt standing with my weight all on them - it was habit. I find it very interesting however, and it's information that will definitely be swirling around some more... particularly if the beautiful weather keeps up!